Smooth Man & Hairy Man Show Us the Beard Study Doesn’t Lie
Guys, don’t grow a beard – and if you do, certainly don’t ever get angry. If you do, well, the ladies will avoid you like the kind of wild animal they do not want in their homes late at night.
A 2012 study in Behavioral Ecology presented 19 men, in two photo sets, to both sexes. The first set showed the men with six-week beards. In the second set, they were clean-shaven. The photos were further divided into pictures of the men looking angry and “normal.”
The 200 women who looked at the images were from two polar-opposite cultural groups: New Zealanders with European ancestry and Samoans with Polynesian heritage. Using two cultures allowed the study to be cross-cultural, so it could define basic human biological response.
The women were much more attracted to the clean-shaven dudes. Plus, dudes didn’t like them: when the pics were shown to men, the subjects thought the beard-o’s were angrier and older.
Smooth Man vs. Hairy Man
Smooth Man awoke from an early-evening nap, misted himself with cologne, dipped his razor in Blade Butter, and shaved. “You can never be
too clean-shaven,” he said knowingly. His faithful boxer Chester barked encouragingly, clearly impressed. Smooth walked outside into a world at his fingertips. He advanced to the neighborhood pub, where he met Sheila. Sheila looked at him adoringly and said, “Where have you been all my life?” Smooth replied, “In your heart, baby.”
Hairy Man awoke early that morning, packed his bags forlornly, and started driving his rusty pickup truck out into the woods. There, in a remote cabin, he would write his novel about a loner everyone thinks is angry, old, and unattractive. “This is where I belong,” Hairy said, a single tear unable to properly roll down his face, stuck in the thicket. “The chipmunks understand me.”